3. Separate the people from the problem

At the table sits a person, not a position. As soon as someone feels attacked, their energy goes into defending their own dignity and no longer into the issue at hand. This chapter is about the first principle from chapter 2, and it is the first for a reason: as long as this goes wrong, the other three never get their turn.

Two things at once at the table

At every negotiating table, two things run together: the business issue and the relationship between the people. As long as those two are tied together, a critical remark about a proposal is heard as a judgement about the person who made it. The response is then defensiveness instead of substance, and within two minutes the conversation is no longer about anything.

Separating the people from the problem means that you treat those two sides separately, each with its own approach. You maintain the relationship with attention, listening and respect. You handle the issue in a businesslike and firm manner. The picture above shows the usual situation on the left: two parties opposite each other, with the arrows pointed at each other. On the right is where you want to get to: both on the same side, with the arrows pointed together at the problem that lies between them. This is not a matter of being nice. It is a way of keeping your attention in the right place.

Your picture is not the situation

You see the situation as you see it. The other person does the same, from a different position, with different information and different concerns. Both pictures are incomplete, and that is not a matter of good will. Anyone who assumes their own view is the only correct one misses precisely the information that would get the conversation moving.

The awkward thing is that we usually fill the gap in our information with an explanation about the other person. Not with "I don't know why he is asking this", but with "apparently he doesn't trust us". That explanation feels like an observation, while it is a guess. And then you go on to negotiate with your guess instead of with reality.

Showing understanding without giving in

Showing understanding means making clear that you have heard the other person's reasoning and feelings. It is not agreement. You are not saying that the other person is right; you are saying that you understand how they arrived at their position. That costs you nothing on the substance and gains you a great deal in atmosphere, because the other person no longer has to worry about whether they are being taken seriously.

Most people do this by halves. They show understanding and immediately tack a "but" onto it, which withdraws the understanding again. Leave that word out. Show understanding, allow a short silence, and then ask your question or make your proposal.

Three ways it goes wrong

Even if you keep the person and the issue neatly separate, the conversation can still be heavy going. The communication itself goes wrong in three ways, and they are shown at the bottom of the diagram above.

The first is talking at cross purposes. You aim your words not at the other person, but at your own colleagues or at proving yourself right. The other person hears a plea instead of an invitation, and answers with a counter-plea. You recognise it by sentences that start with "as an organisation, we believe".

The second is hearing but not listening. While the other person is talking, you are formulating your rebuttal. You hear the sentences, but the concern underneath them escapes you. This is the most common of the three, and the hardest to catch yourself doing.

The third is misunderstanding what is being said. The same words carry a different meaning for two different people. "We'll take a flexible view of it" sounds to you like room to manoeuvre and to the other person like non-commitment. "As soon as possible" means this week to one person and this quarter to another. Only when you spell it out in a date or an amount do you know whether you mean the same thing.

The yes-but spiral

Those three problems come together in a pattern you see at almost every table. Someone makes a proposal, the other person starts with "yes, but" and follows it with a counter-argument. The word "yes" pretends that someone has listened, the word "but" immediately wipes that away. Anyone who experiences that three times starts talking louder, and the conversation shifts from the issue to the person. From there there is no way back unless someone deliberately takes it.

If you want to break the spiral in yourself, replace "yes, but" with a summary followed by an open question. "So the specifications came in late and that has affected your planning. What is needed now to meet the date?" The same content, without the attack.

Settling in: the first five minutes

Anyone who gets straight to the point opens on content while the atmosphere is still tense. Fitting in means making contact first and only then doing business. It takes two to five minutes and it often yields the most important information of the entire conversation, because in those minutes people say things they would not say later on.

This is how you build that opening. You welcome the other person personally and pay attention to the practical things: coats, coffee, where someone sits. You open with a neutral topic that has nothing to do with the issue: the journey, a renovation, a mutual acquaintance. You say out loud how much time you have and what you want to discuss. You ask the other person what they would like to add to that agenda, and that is more than politeness: this is where you hear what it is really going to be about. And then you switch over explicitly: "Shall we look at the figures?"

Summary

• At the table, the issue and the relationship get tangled up. Deal with them separately: businesslike on the substance, careful with the person.
• Don't sit opposite one another but side by side, with both of you focusing on the problem.
• Your picture of the situation is not the situation. You fill the gap in your information with a guess about the other party, and then you negotiate on the basis of that guess.
• Showing understanding is not the same as agreeing. Leave out the word "but" and then ask your question.
• Communication goes wrong in three ways: talking at cross purposes, hearing but not listening, and misunderstanding. Together they produce the yes-but spiral.
• The first five minutes are not a warm-up. Fitting in yields information you will not get later on.