1. Active listening

Listening seems like the easiest part of a conversation. You don't have to come up with anything, you don't have to defend anything, you only have to be quiet. In practice, most people rarely really do it. We hear, we nod politely, and meanwhile we are already busy with what we are going to say next. This chapter is about the difference between hearing and listening, and about what you have to let go of in order to make that difference.

Listening is a choice, not a character trait

In active listening you are entirely focused on the other person. You take in what is being said, you pay attention to the tone, and you see what the body language adds or in fact contradicts. At the same time you hold back your own reaction for a moment. Not because you have nothing to say, but because you want to understand first before you want to be understood.

That sounds obvious, and it is not. Anyone who observes conversations sees that on average people start thinking up their answer after three or four seconds. From that moment on you are no longer listening to the other person but to your own internal monologue. You still hear words, but the meaning seeps past you. And the other person notices. Not always consciously, but the energy drains out of the conversation and the story becomes shorter than it could have been.

Active listening means switching off that autopilot. You give space, you allow a silence rather than filling it straight away, and you use short signals that show you are present: a nod, an "mm-hm", eye contact that feels right. None of this is complicated. The difficulty lies in keeping it up, especially when you disagree with what you are hearing.

Three layers on which you listen

In every conversation, three layers run together. Anyone who learns to tell them apart hears far more than someone who only pays attention to the words.

The first layer is the content: what is the other person literally saying? What facts, examples and arguments are put on the table? This is the layer that is easiest to follow, and that is precisely why most people get stuck in it.

The second layer is the feeling: which emotion comes through in the tone, the pace and the choice of words? Someone who says "it's going fine" followed by a sigh is telling you something different from someone who says the same sentence with a smile. The feeling layer is often precisely in what is left unsaid.

The third layer is the intention: what does the other person want from this conversation? Do they want to let off steam, get advice, force a decision, or simply be heard? Anyone who misses this often gives a neat answer to a question that was never asked.

Good listeners switch constantly between these three layers and check them against each other: does what I hear on the content layer match what I pick up on the feeling layer? If the two do not fit together, that is the moment to ask further questions.

What active listening is not

There are three persistent misconceptions about active listening. They sound plausible and lead you in precisely the wrong direction.

It is not a parroting: repeating literally what the other person has just said feels artificial, as if you are performing a trick rather than having a conversation. Nor is it a staying silent: you remain a conversation partner, not a wall of sound. And it certainly does not mean that you agree must be with what you hear. You can listen closely and then take a firm position of your own. In fact, your position lands better precisely then, because the other person knows they have been heard and does not feel they have to start all over again.

Three types of barriers

Listening well sounds simple, but in practice you run into all sorts of things. The obstacles come from three directions, and for each direction there is something you can do.

The first is the environment. A room that is too warm, a squeaking chair, your phone buzzing on the table, a colleague walking past the window: they seem like trifles, but they draw your attention away without you noticing. Smells, bright light or a noisy corridor also play a part. You can remove most of this in advance: a quiet room, your phone out of sight, and a chair from which you are not constantly looking past the other person towards the door.

The second is the language of the other person. Jargon you do not know, endless sentences, a monotone voice, speaking too fast or agonisingly slowly. A poorly organised account, in which someone jumps from one thing to another, also makes listening hard work. Here it helps to ask follow-up questions and summarise, and so restore the structure together.

The third, and the most difficult, is yourself. You are tired, irritated or still caught up in a previous conversation. You have an opinion about the speaker and this filters what comes in. Or you are so busy with your own answer that you miss half of it. Sometimes you think you know after three sentences where it is going and put the rest on autopilot. That is the moment when you miss the turning.

Five pointers for listening better

Listening is a skill, not a character trait. That means you can improve at it. Five concrete pointers:

• Clear your head beforehand: finish off your previous task, put your phone away and decide for yourself that for the next half hour you are there for this person.
• Listen to understand, not to respond: as long as you are busy with your own answer, you miss what is actually being said. Postpone your response until the other person has finished.
• Summarise regularly: a short summary ("So if I understand you correctly...") forces you to listen properly and gives the other person the chance to adjust.
• Ask further about what you notice: a hesitation, a word that comes up twice, an emotion you pick up on. That is often where the heart of the matter lies.
• Check your own interpretation: what you think you hear is coloured by your own experience. Test it by giving it back to the other person.

Summary

• Active listening means being fully focused on the other person and holding back your own response for a moment. On average, people start on their answer after just three to four seconds.
• You listen on three layers at once: the content (what is literally said), the feeling (what comes through in tone and choice of words) and the intention (what the other person wants from the conversation).
• If the content layer and the feeling layer do not match, that is the moment to ask follow-up questions.
• Active listening is not parroting, not staying silent and not agreeing.
• Obstacles come from the surroundings, from the other person's language or from your own mind. The last of these is the hardest.
• Your listening skills grow by deliberately making space, postponing your reaction, summarising, asking follow-up questions and checking your interpretation.